Well, here I am. In a position I never thought I would be in.
I am waiting to find out if my family is eligible for an apartment. There's no rush really... Our home is just going to be auctioned off in one month and three days. We just have to pack, get rid of a bunch of stuff, and decide where we are going to go! That's it. The end of our dreams for this house - our home. The end of watching my children play in the "Diamond Woods" for hours on end. Just a letter saying when to be out and basically that our mortgage company would like to help us, if only we made more money.
Lord, I am not questioning that you know what you are doing - I just wish I understood it a little better. Help me to know that you are in this. And guide us in where to go next.
We are trying to keep the girls in the same school district, but will only be able to do so if approved for the apartment. And honestly, even if we are approved, I am still not sure we could afford it. I am just scared. I don't know what to do. And I am afraid of what might happen next. I can see satan trying to take my focus off Jesus (when I have only begun to start hearing Him again). Little things - and big things - seem to be popping up all over the place. I just hope that God will show me the way out.
God's will scares me. I am always afraid of what He might use to mold me. I guess I need to remember that He has my best interest at heart, whereas satan just seeks to destroy me. The last couple of days I have been feeling the old depression demons dragging me down further and further. Lord, please pull me back up. I have been in this place before and I don't want to go back. Help me to focus on the things that I know come from You.
We will not be homeless.
We are all healthy.
My husband has a job (even though he made more on unemployment).
I have a great family.
I know that we will make it through this ok.
I know that God has a reason for all this and I hope that through this I can become closer to Him and my marriage will become stronger.
I pray that I can hold to these truths instead of satan's lies.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Barbecue, Broccoli, and Lies
A strange thing happened to me this morning after I dropped my two oldest children off at school. As I headed home with my remaining two kids I had a funny feeling hit me - I was missing my big girls! Now, some might think this makes me a horrible mother, but generally I drop the school girls off and head home with a somewhat peaceful sigh. For those few hours a day my house is several decibels quieter, and instead of keeping up with four kids I only have to manage two. I dearly love my children and gladly wait to pick up the school kids in the carpool line. Usually. But today for some reason, instead of feeling that brief reprieve I normally feel, I felt an emptiness when they hopped out of the car.
What brought this sudden change on I am not sure. Maybe my hormones are all out of whack. Or maybe it is that everyone stayed home last Friday sick and we had three solid days to spend together. Or maybe it is God letting me know that my family is complete. Maybe it is all of the above. I don't know. Maybe I just needed to realize how much they mean to me. That through all of the squabbles, tantrums, meltdowns, and fights that I am constantly refereeing, are the times (sometimes few and far between!) that I see all the girls playing together and making my heart melt. The times between feeding the baby and making supper for everyone else that I just look at my children in amazement. They are all so precious and unique.
They all have their quirks and missteps - so do I! And overwhelming as it is at times, I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.
Here are some of the funny happenings of today (with a few not-me mondays):
Earlier when Keri-lyn answered a question I asked her and I told her I didn't believe her, she told me this - "Quit not believing me! I almost never tell lies!"
When Jaycee was told that she could not have any ice cream until she had eaten her two pieces of broccoli, she most certainly did not move them to Layna's plate and come tell me straight faced that she had eaten it. None of my children would ever do such a thing as that.
And I did not inappropriately laugh out loud when my mother told me that she was going to Walmart to look for carpet cleaner to remove the crayon that Layna used to color the carpet at church. Not me.
And I did not more than likely miss Micah rolling over for the 1st time because I was stuck in the bathroom this morning. I would never attempt to use the bathroom alone and chance missing a major milestone like that. Not me.
Finally, I would never tell my children they must eat supper before they ate any ice cream when I secretly ate a Skinny Cow while they were out playing and while I was making supper. I would never do that.
Happy Monday!
What brought this sudden change on I am not sure. Maybe my hormones are all out of whack. Or maybe it is that everyone stayed home last Friday sick and we had three solid days to spend together. Or maybe it is God letting me know that my family is complete. Maybe it is all of the above. I don't know. Maybe I just needed to realize how much they mean to me. That through all of the squabbles, tantrums, meltdowns, and fights that I am constantly refereeing, are the times (sometimes few and far between!) that I see all the girls playing together and making my heart melt. The times between feeding the baby and making supper for everyone else that I just look at my children in amazement. They are all so precious and unique.
They all have their quirks and missteps - so do I! And overwhelming as it is at times, I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.
Here are some of the funny happenings of today (with a few not-me mondays):
Earlier when Keri-lyn answered a question I asked her and I told her I didn't believe her, she told me this - "Quit not believing me! I almost never tell lies!"
When Jaycee was told that she could not have any ice cream until she had eaten her two pieces of broccoli, she most certainly did not move them to Layna's plate and come tell me straight faced that she had eaten it. None of my children would ever do such a thing as that.
And I did not inappropriately laugh out loud when my mother told me that she was going to Walmart to look for carpet cleaner to remove the crayon that Layna used to color the carpet at church. Not me.
And I did not more than likely miss Micah rolling over for the 1st time because I was stuck in the bathroom this morning. I would never attempt to use the bathroom alone and chance missing a major milestone like that. Not me.
Finally, I would never tell my children they must eat supper before they ate any ice cream when I secretly ate a Skinny Cow while they were out playing and while I was making supper. I would never do that.
Happy Monday!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Changes
If you know me then you know I am usually running behind - for church, for school, ball games, bed times... just late for life in general. Now, in the past I have been ok with this. No real harm done. But lately things have been sneaking up on me and forcing me to take a good look at my life. If I had to sum up my life in just a few words, they would be "Just getting by." And I am tired of just getting by, just doing the bare minimum. If I want my life to matter, if I want to be a good example to my children, then I need to step up.
So I have decided that I need to be done with the excuses. My spiritual life is not growing because the most attention I give to it is a quick prayer of protection for my children, or a "Lord, help me know which choice to make". My excuse for that is that I don't have any more time in my day to devote to God. What a lie! I know that I am more than capable of cutting out time to spend with Him. All I would need to do is cut out a television show or leave a little earlier for carpool. Why do I put everything that is so mundane before what I know should be #1 in my life? Even when God gives me a gentle reminder I put Him off until the next day because I am just to tired. Now I probably get more sleep than anyone I know. And when the next day comes, I put him off again.
This is the 1st excuse I am getting rid of. There are several more areas of my life that I need to work on, but I feel that this is the most important. If I put my priorities where they need to be, then I think other things will start to fall into place. Things like my home, my disorganization, my laziness and bad habits. I know that God had more planned for me than what I am accomplishing. So, here I go. I am trying to reorganize my life the way God would want it - with Him first. And hopefully, at the day's end I can be proud of what I have accomplished, not be wishing I had done more.
So I have decided that I need to be done with the excuses. My spiritual life is not growing because the most attention I give to it is a quick prayer of protection for my children, or a "Lord, help me know which choice to make". My excuse for that is that I don't have any more time in my day to devote to God. What a lie! I know that I am more than capable of cutting out time to spend with Him. All I would need to do is cut out a television show or leave a little earlier for carpool. Why do I put everything that is so mundane before what I know should be #1 in my life? Even when God gives me a gentle reminder I put Him off until the next day because I am just to tired. Now I probably get more sleep than anyone I know. And when the next day comes, I put him off again.
This is the 1st excuse I am getting rid of. There are several more areas of my life that I need to work on, but I feel that this is the most important. If I put my priorities where they need to be, then I think other things will start to fall into place. Things like my home, my disorganization, my laziness and bad habits. I know that God had more planned for me than what I am accomplishing. So, here I go. I am trying to reorganize my life the way God would want it - with Him first. And hopefully, at the day's end I can be proud of what I have accomplished, not be wishing I had done more.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Cooking, Cleaning and Blessings
Today has been a very l o n g day! I feel like all that I have done is cook, clean up, and try to get my kids to clean their rooms. It feels like I haven't stopped today, but when I look around - I can't really tell what I have done. Well, I did get the baby's bed ready. BIG mistake. Layna loves the new bedspread and wants to sleep in the baby bed again. Oops!
But as discouraged as I feel today, there are the little moments that bring a smile to my face when I think about them. Like tonight when I was worrying about finances and my sweet little Layna came and crawled up in my lap, put her hand on my face, and said "Don't worry about it Mama. Don't worry about it." Hmmm.....Could that be God trying to get a message across? Or when Jaycee just came up out of the blue, looked at me and told me she loved my face and my hair today just the way it was - did I mention that I had on no makeup and I am not sure if I even brushed my hair today? And then there was tonight when the girls finally, finally cleaned their room and I made them brownies out of a box for a reward. Keri-lyn told me I made the best desserts in the world. Those little moments make the day well worth it.
I have wanted to talk to my grandmother all day today and have just longed to hear her voice again. For some reason today it seems like she has just recently went to heaven instead of being gone for over a year. I miss her so much. My sister, however, quickly reminded me of Mamaw's favorite saying - "Count Your Blessings". I remember calling Mamaw (who had 6 daughters, lost one as a baby and raised the remaining 5 without the modern day comforts I have in a 2 bedroom house, kept the long hours of a preacher's wife, and gave of herself daily to anyone in need) and complaining about how hard it was for me to make my children mind or keep up with the laundry. How hard this was or that was. In her own special way, she would always let me know that she understood and knew it was difficult, but that I needed to count my blessings. Mamaw was never one to stand around and complain. If something needed doing - she just did it. I hope I can be more like her one day.
So for Mamaw, today I will count a few of my blessings:
1. I am blessed that when my children don't mind, it shows me that they have the brain capacity to think for themselves.
2. I am blessed when my children bring toys out and scatter them all over the house because it means that they are able to use their arms and legs freely.
3. I am blessed when my husband comes in late and tired because that means God has provided a job for our family.
4. I am blessed when I walk into the laundry room and see the mountain of dirty clothes because that means my family and I have clothes to wear and a washing machine to wash them in.
5. I am blessed because I haven't been able to get to the grocery store for a week and my children haven't gone hungry yet.
6. I am blessed when I miss my grandmother because that means I got the chance to know and love her and that she made a lasting impression on my life.
7. I am blessed when I am never able to get my house clean because that means I have a house to live in.
I have many things that make me blessed, I just need to look around and recognize them for what they are. Thanks, Mamaw.
But as discouraged as I feel today, there are the little moments that bring a smile to my face when I think about them. Like tonight when I was worrying about finances and my sweet little Layna came and crawled up in my lap, put her hand on my face, and said "Don't worry about it Mama. Don't worry about it." Hmmm.....Could that be God trying to get a message across? Or when Jaycee just came up out of the blue, looked at me and told me she loved my face and my hair today just the way it was - did I mention that I had on no makeup and I am not sure if I even brushed my hair today? And then there was tonight when the girls finally, finally cleaned their room and I made them brownies out of a box for a reward. Keri-lyn told me I made the best desserts in the world. Those little moments make the day well worth it.
I have wanted to talk to my grandmother all day today and have just longed to hear her voice again. For some reason today it seems like she has just recently went to heaven instead of being gone for over a year. I miss her so much. My sister, however, quickly reminded me of Mamaw's favorite saying - "Count Your Blessings". I remember calling Mamaw (who had 6 daughters, lost one as a baby and raised the remaining 5 without the modern day comforts I have in a 2 bedroom house, kept the long hours of a preacher's wife, and gave of herself daily to anyone in need) and complaining about how hard it was for me to make my children mind or keep up with the laundry. How hard this was or that was. In her own special way, she would always let me know that she understood and knew it was difficult, but that I needed to count my blessings. Mamaw was never one to stand around and complain. If something needed doing - she just did it. I hope I can be more like her one day.
So for Mamaw, today I will count a few of my blessings:
1. I am blessed that when my children don't mind, it shows me that they have the brain capacity to think for themselves.
2. I am blessed when my children bring toys out and scatter them all over the house because it means that they are able to use their arms and legs freely.
3. I am blessed when my husband comes in late and tired because that means God has provided a job for our family.
4. I am blessed when I walk into the laundry room and see the mountain of dirty clothes because that means my family and I have clothes to wear and a washing machine to wash them in.
5. I am blessed because I haven't been able to get to the grocery store for a week and my children haven't gone hungry yet.
6. I am blessed when I miss my grandmother because that means I got the chance to know and love her and that she made a lasting impression on my life.
7. I am blessed when I am never able to get my house clean because that means I have a house to live in.
I have many things that make me blessed, I just need to look around and recognize them for what they are. Thanks, Mamaw.
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