Missing Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving! It has been a busy day for me and mine. Thanksgiving dinner twice kept us quite full for hours this afternoon and evening. It was great to be able to spend time with family today. In case you didn't know - I do have the best ever! We will have one more Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday to celebrate with another side of our family. This one may well be the hardest to prepare for because it will be the first year we will not have our Papaw with us.
 My sweet grandfather passed away a few months ago and it is hard to think of him not being with us this year. He always sat in "his" recliner and just smiled at all of his crazy grand and great grand kids. I would not wish him back here with us, I am sure he is unbelievably happy and at peace right where he is. It's just that I had possibly the very best grandfather I ever could have hoped for. I miss him. A lot.
Tonight I really want just want mention a few things that made him so special.
 - My grandpa was a humble man. He never once that I saw considered himself better than anyone else. He never thought that he was anything special. As a veteran it was all he could do to be recognized at church on Veteran's Day. He was always the last to stand and the first to sit down.
- He didn't fool around. When I went through my years of addiction and rebellion, he always loved me, but he always let me know that I was making some big mistakes. I know he probably wanted to throttle me, but he never did.
- His eyes. Papaw had the bluest eyes ever. The kindest too. I really miss seeing them light up with laughter at something one of the kids said or did. They were always full of love.
- He loved my kids and all of his great grands. There was nothing better than seeing them interact and watch how much they loved him. He was always laughing with them.
- I never once in my lifetime saw my Papaw mad. I am sure that he got angry (and that he probably had a right to be) but I never saw him lose his temper. Not a single time. What a testimony that is.
- He spoiled us a bit. My grandparents are very frugal. When my sister and I were little they would sometimes take us out after church for lunch and maybe to the store. Granny would always tell us before we went in to not ask for anything. It never failed that once she had gone on to look for what she needed, Papaw would take us over to the toy aisle and tell us to hurry up and pick something out. Then, he would go pay for it before Granny could stop him. We learned early that if we wanted something to ask Papaw first!
- He was a forgiving man. Papaw didn't hold grudges. If someone did him wrong, he would accept an apology if offered and if not, he would just go on.
- He was a prankster.
- He was a man of God.
- He loved his wife. He was always doing little things for her. He didn't want us all to notice, but we did. They were married 61 years.

These are just a few of the things that made him so special. There are so many more. I am missing him this holiday, but I am so very thankful for the years that I had with him. Thankful for the impact he had on my life, the role model he was for my husband, and for the love he showed my children.

Feeling Things

Today has not been a great day for me. Emotions and hormones are running rampant in my body and brain. The smallest things are setting me off; either to tears or a pure rage ( mostly directed at my husband). Not sure why I am feeling this way. I have a few theories I am considering. The 1st is that my oldest daughter turned 8 yesterday. A happy occasion, I know, but the date never fails to bring up some not-so-happy memories that surrounded the joyous occasion of her birth. The absent, drug addicted father. The fears that something I did during my pregnancy would hurt my baby. The shame of coming home pregnant, unmarried, and addicted to drugs with not a true friend to be had. All those memories and feelings resurface, whether in my subconscience or not, around this time. But I also remember the love and the support of my family, the awesomeness of a new life in my arms, the power of Christ to redeem and forgive. That is why I don't think that this is a big contributor to my mood.

Theory #2 - I have weaned off my zoloft. I did it gradually, and the after effects of my lips and fingers going numb has almost completely subsided - yay! I really don't think that is the cause, since I really took my time coming off and I have been feeling fine for a month off of it.

#3 - My son is only nursing once or twice a day now, hence, my hormones are changing again. This probably could be a good reason for my mood swings, except for the final theory.

# 4 - God has really been working in my life lately. I have been drawing closer to Him, getting back into the Word and trying to live as an example of our Lord. I believe Satan is really attacking me. It feels like a battle for my soul, my happiness and peace is waging inside my head and heart. Now I know that my soul belongs to God and always will, but the evil one knows how to decieve my heart. He whispers doubts in to my ears, plants shameful memories that God has already forgiven into my head. He reminds me of my failings and weaknesses. He tries to make me think that I am no good, and he is right. I am no good. But, the Spirit that dwells inside of me is. That is what I must remember and hold to. And I feel as if I am failing. So... Satan, get thee behind. I am fleeing from you, and in Jesus' name you MUST flee from me. Get out of my head, my heart, my life. Take the demons of depression and regret and worthlessness and leave. Leave my family, leave my house. The Lord lives here and you are not welcome any longer. I am praying a hedge of protection around me and everyone who enters here. You may not come in!! Go back to hell where one day you will remain for all of eternity. I am not yours. I have been spoken for and bought by the blood of the Lamb of God. I am His forever.

Thank you, Jesus, for overcoming the world, the prince of this world. Help me cling to you and your righteousness. Help me remember that I am nothing but what you make me. And that you have a purpose and a plan for me that will be revealed in your perfect time. Only you are worthy of my praise, Father. Thank you for your mercy, your forgiveness. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for not giving me what I deserve. In you I place my trust. Thank you, Jesus.

Ready

At this moment I feel ready to take the next step in my life. If only I knew what it should be. I would love to start back to school or try my hand at making cloth diapers and selling them online. I am open to most things so whenever you want to, Lord, just open the doors. And open my eyes to see it!

Some awesome things are happening right now. I feel like God is going to really move in our youth group this year. Several of our teens could make such an impact on others. I am praying that they recognize that and try to be positive role models and not kids that tear everyone else apart.

Jaycee is about to lose her 1st tooth! It has been barely hanging on for almost 2 weeks. This has been a long time coming and she is so excited! Micah is entering the danger zone. It is everywhere he goes - he laughs in it's face - after he's done crying! Keri-lyn has a great teacher this year who loves reading as much as she does. And Layna is starting to learn how to control herself every once in a while.

My fabulous sister is back to "normal" after her brush with the death angels in the hospital. And by that I mean the poorly trained nurses who thought they knew more than they did. Welcome back Erin!

My nephews are rising stars in the FC drama dept. I expect they will soon only give me hugs via their agent. I will have to arrive 2 hours ahead of production time to get a seat close enough to see them b/c "you can't save them seats no mo!"

My children spend hours playing outside every day and love it. Much better than riding bikes in the parking lot at the apt.

And I would say a swear word right now, if I swore, b/c it just hit me that basketball sign ups were last night and we did not sign up. Completely forgot! There was no school today - It was Columbus day for crying out loud. What a dumb day to schedule sign ups! Top of to do list tomorrow will be calling park and rec and pleading my case I suppose...

I can't help laughing about our dear Ga Bulldogs. Everyone can't believe all the arrests that have been made this year on the football team. That's what happens when you give scholarships to people with less character just because they can play football.

Laughing a little at all the people who voted for Obama too. Maybe they should have looked more than skin deep at the candidate and his "Change".

Well, there you go. A random post/rant/rambling from me. That is about how my mind works. It jumps from topic to topic. My dad and husband look at me all the time like I'm an alien or something b/c I will randomly ask some out of the blue ? . Keeps them on their toes though!

Yay!! He's 1!

Yes, this is my 2nd post today. I just couldn't let the night pass without saying something about my baby turning one. Hard to believe that Micah is 1 already. Seems like just a few months ago when my sister was shouting "Get up! I will not let you have this baby in the toilet!" (I didn't by the way, in case anyone was wondering) One year ago I met my one and only son afraid that I wouldn't love him as much as I love my girls. Boy was I wrong! That mother-son bond everyone talked about that I thought was a little made up is definitely real. Not better or worse than my bond with the girls. Just different. And he is a BIG mama's boy!

Just a few things to remember about what he is doing now. He refuses to walk. If you try to make him walk alone he will just immediately sit down and look at you. He loves to play chase and squeals when you come after him and crawls fast as he can. He is mischevious and is already pushing buttons. He is opinionated and will let you know when he doesn't like something, when he wants something and when he is tired of something. He can say mama, dada, bite, bye bye, thank you, and papa. He has the prettiest eyes and longest lashes and he looks a lot like Jaycee. They smile and cry the same - both can really turn on the waterworks! One of his favorite things to do is empty out any cabinet or drawer he can reach. He has 4 teeth. He's a mess! I love him!

A Rough Patch

So - I'm just going to lay it all out b/c I need to get it out! Today (and the last several days) have been extremely trying. Tempers have flared, tears have run, voices have shouted. You name it, it's happened here. Todd and I probably got into the worst fight we've ever had today. Seems like things just keep escalating and I don't have time to catch my breath before we are at it again. Now, true, I am am hormonal right now and could possibly be a tiny bit over sensitive, but things right now are just not good!!! I keep trying to stay positive and focus on the good things, but all the bad things seem to overtake my mind. I am just tired of trying to be okay with everything that's happening and I feel like I am about to snap. Oh no! I'll be one of those women on WE that everyone can totally sympathize with!

Seriously, I really am trying to see God's plan in all of this -really hard! But I just don't. It's like everytime I come to grips with a new season in my life everything drastically changes again. Imagine if you walked outside ready for the day in your shorts and tank top only to open the door to a snowstorm. The next day you don your snowsuit and walk outside to a sunny 80 degree day. This happens everyday and you never get it right. Should you happen to get ahead and wear the same thing planning for the opposite type weather, the weather would stay the same just to spite you. That is how I feel. Constantly behind, wrong, and compeletely taken by surprise. And I'll just say this : It sucks!

Living with my parents is weird. I kind of always feel like I am in the way or getting on someone's nerves - Erin, don't you dare tell mom I said that - And I know they can feel the tension between Todd and me. I just don't want to put our stress on someone else. I'm afraid that is exactly what we've done. And then, just to make me feel a little more awkward, dad tells me that our pastor (who is a wonderful man of God) asked him if we would want them to finish the old fellowship hall for us to live in. Very gracious and humbling, but a little embarassing too. I guess it's my pride that doesn't want to be the poor family in the church who lost 2 homes and does'nt even have gas $. That I can get over, though. It does feel good to know that our church family loves us that much.

I just wish I had an answer or some insight into what I should be learning from this and how I should handle things. Sounds like I just need God.

Another move

Believe it or not, I am writing this in my parents upstairs bedroom. Well, I guess it is my bedroom now, since my family of six have accepted their gracious offer to move in and get back on our feet. We are entering week 4 here and so far all has not been smooth sailing... But, I think that things will get better once the chaos has settled down (as much as it can in house with 8 people living in it)! Mom and Dad have decided to finish the attic room to add another bedroom for us and enclose the garage to add a family room. So, to sum it up, the 6 of us moved in during the midst of remodeling and the start of a new school with 2 housefuls of stuff! And we still have things that we haven't moved yet. This really makes me realize that we have to much stuff!!! Even after downsizing considerably we are still bursting at the seams. Yardsale here I come!

A big blessing since the move has been the big girls adjustment to their new school. This was something I worried and fretted over needlessly. Why can I not keep the faith that God IS in control and has everything UNDER control? Keri-lyn has a teacher that loves to read and Jaycee's parapro is a member of our church! Layna has been excited to "homeschool" with me and Micah is more spoiled than ever. All in all, I just want to thank the Lord that in the midst of our struggles he has provided over and over again for us in countless ways and continues to do so every day of our lives. Thank you Jesus!

My how quickly they grow!

As I was sitting and watching Micah tonight I was amazed at how much he has grown and changed lately. He is definitely a sleep fighter - a night owl, like his mama. He constantly wants to be on the ground crawling, or as I have come to call it "scrawling", because he pulls himself with his left hand and pushes with his right foot. More or less scooting/crawling. Now this effectively and automatically ruins his clothes, as he is sliding around on his belly. I hear that is just a glimpse of the laundry mishaps boys get into. He can wave, patty cake, and peekaboo. Only wants real table food now and becomes increasingly angry if I still try to feed him baby food. He has 1 tooth and can say a few words (bye bye, mama, dada, and bite bite) sometimes - I think! He is just growing up. It always seems to hit me at once instead of over time when my babies are moving more toward toddlerhood and out of the baby stages. It is a little bittersweet at times.

I think back to Keri-lyn as a baby and sometimes it seem like such a long time ago. Other times it seems like a few days. Each of my children are constantly suprising me with little glimpses of the maturity they are gaining. Like when I woke up today to 3 year old Layna saying "Apparently it's morning. Get up!" Or when 5 year old Jaycee shows such concern and loyalty to a friend from pre-k that we have been worried about that she prays for her and her family every night. Keri-lyn is very much the little book worm. She can read for hours upon hours. She is the little mother hen for sure, but can still be goofy at times.

I have been worried a little about keeping my children to sheltered lately. As a parent, I want them to be well adjusted at school and not be culture shocked every time they leave the house. Well, as of yesterday, God has relieved me of that burden. Our current situation has put us around some different types of people and families, and I think that is helping the kids to realize that we should love the people around us but we don't have to act like them. I hope our time here helps my family to be more thankful of what we have and more aware of how we can help others. I want us to really start making more of an effort to reach out to those who don't have what we have. Not just physically, but spiritually. I hope that we will be good examples of God's love.

It's funny in a sad way, that the people I really struggle with are people like I used to be. Addicts, who really aren't bad people, but are so caught up in their addiction that everyone else sort of fades into the background. People like this used to be some of my best friends. I wonder when I started thinking of myself as so much better than them that I rarely try to find a way to reach out to them instead of putting them down in my mind. How easily I have forgotten that God's grace and mercy are the only things that pulled me out of some very dark places.

"Lord, please soften my heart to the needs of others you put in my life. Help me to be a comfort and a friend to those who need one. And give me a forgiving spirit, because I was forgiven."