Feeling Things

Today has not been a great day for me. Emotions and hormones are running rampant in my body and brain. The smallest things are setting me off; either to tears or a pure rage ( mostly directed at my husband). Not sure why I am feeling this way. I have a few theories I am considering. The 1st is that my oldest daughter turned 8 yesterday. A happy occasion, I know, but the date never fails to bring up some not-so-happy memories that surrounded the joyous occasion of her birth. The absent, drug addicted father. The fears that something I did during my pregnancy would hurt my baby. The shame of coming home pregnant, unmarried, and addicted to drugs with not a true friend to be had. All those memories and feelings resurface, whether in my subconscience or not, around this time. But I also remember the love and the support of my family, the awesomeness of a new life in my arms, the power of Christ to redeem and forgive. That is why I don't think that this is a big contributor to my mood.

Theory #2 - I have weaned off my zoloft. I did it gradually, and the after effects of my lips and fingers going numb has almost completely subsided - yay! I really don't think that is the cause, since I really took my time coming off and I have been feeling fine for a month off of it.

#3 - My son is only nursing once or twice a day now, hence, my hormones are changing again. This probably could be a good reason for my mood swings, except for the final theory.

# 4 - God has really been working in my life lately. I have been drawing closer to Him, getting back into the Word and trying to live as an example of our Lord. I believe Satan is really attacking me. It feels like a battle for my soul, my happiness and peace is waging inside my head and heart. Now I know that my soul belongs to God and always will, but the evil one knows how to decieve my heart. He whispers doubts in to my ears, plants shameful memories that God has already forgiven into my head. He reminds me of my failings and weaknesses. He tries to make me think that I am no good, and he is right. I am no good. But, the Spirit that dwells inside of me is. That is what I must remember and hold to. And I feel as if I am failing. So... Satan, get thee behind. I am fleeing from you, and in Jesus' name you MUST flee from me. Get out of my head, my heart, my life. Take the demons of depression and regret and worthlessness and leave. Leave my family, leave my house. The Lord lives here and you are not welcome any longer. I am praying a hedge of protection around me and everyone who enters here. You may not come in!! Go back to hell where one day you will remain for all of eternity. I am not yours. I have been spoken for and bought by the blood of the Lamb of God. I am His forever.

Thank you, Jesus, for overcoming the world, the prince of this world. Help me cling to you and your righteousness. Help me remember that I am nothing but what you make me. And that you have a purpose and a plan for me that will be revealed in your perfect time. Only you are worthy of my praise, Father. Thank you for your mercy, your forgiveness. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for not giving me what I deserve. In you I place my trust. Thank you, Jesus.